Shopping For Blood

So, I was talking on the phone tonight with my friend who also has her house listed with me. It’s a case that she doesn’t  have to sell the house so she’s going to pull it off the market probably by the end of the month. That’s not what’s got me worried. We started talking about the teaching thing, she’s good and objective about that and thinks it would be a good thing for me. My parents are on board and everyone I’ve run the idea by thinks it’s a good thing for me, as have most of you. Great. I’m going to look into the state certification program but also inquire as to getting a teaching position at a small private school and work on the certification as I go. I really would like to try to get the certification first, get some education credits behind me, than jump into things without having any of that.

Then we started talking about some other stuff and she said she wanted to talk to me about my writing. She didn’t give me a hint as to what she wanted to talk to me about or tell me. Of course, that left me, a writer, feeling way more insecure than ever. I gave her a good chunk of my <i>Isabel</i> story to read. It’s a rough draft at this point and I know the first completed is going to be very long, but I’ll pare it down and tighten it up when I’m finished, if I ever get it finished. So far she hasn’t given me any feedback. I thought she forgot about it. She’s always on the go and reading my work in progress isn’t a priority, so I didn’t expect to actually get any feedback or critique from her. Now after talking to her and hearing the tone of her voice every writer’s fear is running through my head.

My mom has read it. She is a voracious reader and said she liked it. But she’s my mother and didn’t offer much by way of real feedback or critique. My aunt picked up some of it Mom had lying around the house, and my aunt is far more critical than my mom. You know how mom’s are, they like everything you make, bake or create unconditionally. My aunt  liked what she read of it. She didn’t know the context or anything, but she’s a writer, has had a book published and is very critical so that’s a good thing.

In all the years I wrote fanfic and posted it, I always got positive comments and feedback about my stories and characters and I think quite frankly my writing was atrocious most of the time. Maybe it’s gotten worse.

There are many things I worry about this story– I know it’s really going to be a niche market kind of a story– and odds of it being published are quite small, but I’m still writing it. Fundamentally, I write because I love to write. I love creating worlds for my characters and telling stories about them. I’ve done that since I was a child and probably always will. Because I’m a story teller, I also think that’s why I can’t shut my brain down most nights or why when something is troubling me, I think about it and think about it and let it gnaw at me.

Of course I’m worrying over nothing yet, but nonetheless I’m worried. Otherwise today was pretty good!

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